On the list of things they could never forgive, most people name betrayal. It is the one that most often tops the list of the heaviest "sins" in interpersonal communication.
Few adults have not experienced its sharp metallic taste and the unexpected stab of a blade in the back. Betrayal has taken on an ominous role as a terrible monster, and few are willing to see the valuable resources that lie hidden within it and the positive role it plays for us.
No, in no way am I encouraging you to start betraying your family and friends. But it is my pleasure to share recommendations that will help you to experience betrayal less painfully and to see this phenomenon from different angles.
What do we perceive as betrayal?
1. - Unkept promises and commitments
What could be behind this?
We imposed, persuaded, persuaded the other to do what was convenient for us. He seemed to agree, more or less willingly, we settled down - the deed is done. And he did not keep his promises, did not fulfill his obligations.
He does not need it, he does not care, he is not interested, it does not motivate him, he does not see the point. The man reconsidered the "contract" that didn't suit him and walked out of it unilaterally.
Why didn't he give a warning? Think about it, would you have heard? Would you have understood? Would you have accepted it? Did you really not notice that he wasn't burning up? Or did you choose to ignore it?
Or did the man think he could. He responded hastily, didn't weigh it. Then realized he couldn't pull it off. Decided not to get involved in something he didn't want. Rejected it, got out of the game. Perhaps by doing so, he set an example for you - not to carry around bales of all the uncomfortable promises. To be able to refuse the extra. Or not to take.
2. - Cheating.
It is always an indicator that something in the relationship went wrong and in the wrong place, lost mutual understanding, intimacy, sincerity, trust. Alas, we often turn a blind eye to all this, and treason bell ringing returns to reality.
3. - Illusions
Remember Pushkin? "And to deceive me is not difficult, I myself am glad to be deceived." We ourselves often make the choice to see the desired rather than the obvious.
4. - Communication failure.
We must always check whether we are talking about the same thing and whether we understand the task and the subject of the conversation in the same way or not. Do not hesitate to clarify, check, otherwise a simple misunderstanding can lead to undesirable consequences.
What resource can be found in betrayal?
Betrayal rubs our eyes. Hard, sobering. Forces us to shift responsibility to ourselves rather than to another. Makes us look more soberly both at ourselves and at the world and the people around us. The paradox is that it helps to develop the "muscle" of responsibility for ourselves and use it constantly.
But most people train other muscles instead: incredulity and suspicion. Everywhere they wait for a catch - and as a result, they fall back into its open arms.
Remember how often after a betrayal has showered you with a shower of ice-cold water, you would say to yourself, "I felt it! It was so obvious! How could I not see it?"
Betrayal helps us:
- To see past the illusions we are not willing to let go of willingly.
- To get rid of unreasonable expectations we have of other people and relationships.
- To learn to take more responsibility for our own lives rather than delegate it.
- Let go of people with whom you have become a burden, a habit or an unpleasant duty.
- Break up with people who are alien in spirit but masquerade as like-minded people.
- Avoid more difficult situations and losses.
Betrayal awakens-often through pain, deep, sharp, taking away sleep. This pain forces us to analyze the situation, look at it from all angles and draw conclusions.
We receive many clues and insights. What used to be around but wouldn't let us catch ourselves gets a clear outline and triggers reflection and the impetus to work on ourselves.
Clarity, the ability to calmly see the real picture, not just the desired one, awareness and the ability to draw conclusions turn betrayal into a resource for understanding oneself and the motives for one's actions.
There is something useful in any, even the most painful situation. Betrayal is often a surgical tool that gets rid of what we cannot let go of voluntarily.
Now I offer you a little exercise:
1. Recall a story of betrayal from your own life.
2. Go through the points in this article.
3 What new things did you learn about that situation? About yourself? About the traitor?
Thoughtful answers to these questions will help you get the most out of your story of betrayal.
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